What to Really Expect When You're Expecting

Let's just cut to the chase here. Being pregnant is the absolute most amazing thing in the world. No matter how uncomfortable, hard or exhausting it may be, it is still simply amazing. Some women (those rare ones) have those nearly perfect pregnancies. You know what I mean, those chicks who barely gain weight, don't get sick, have amazing skin and are high on life. 

Then there's the rest of us. Some of us may be puking, some of us may be popping zits like we're back in junior high and others may pee on a stick and gain 10lbs immediately. And of course, there's the ones who somewhat sit in the middle between those perfect pregnancies and those hard and crazy pregnancies.

I like to think that's where I am...in the middle. 

But if I'm going to be honest with you, I am going to give you a post filled with the truths behind pregnancy that are real. Not the textbook version from "What to Expect When You're Expecting." This is the "Real Shit" version. Now granted this is my third pregnancy and I am chasing two toddlers day in and day out, so I'm sure that makes a difference. But even if you can't relate to all of these "factoids," I am sure you can relate to some. 

So here's some real, funny and kinda TMI truths to pregnancy...

• Everything hurts. Like even your butt hurts. 
• Speaking of, pressure down there is super confusing when you feel pressure in your butt. Like, I didn't think they came out of that hole, so why do I feel pressure there? 
• Random people may touch you. And then ask if it is okay after. 
• Your uterus occasionally feels like it will fall to the floor towards the end. 
• You are pretty sure you can waddle as good as any penguin. 
• By the end of the day, you try to magically not walk on your feet because they hurt so bad. Don't ask me how to. 
• You want to drop kick the person who says, "Oh you look like you're about to pop." Even though you have three months left. 
• And you want to axe murder the person who says you look like you're carrying twins. Really. 
• Eating for two is a real thing. A really good excuse for extra snacks, cookies and oh yea, pounds. 
• Eventually you can't see to shave anything down there, so there's that...
• The bigger you get, the weirder sex gets. But you still make do...thanks hormones. 
• You'll probably pee yourself. Especially if this isn't your first. Then just accept that you WILL PEE YOURSELF. 
• You feel like a permanently exhausted zombie pretty frequently. 
• The idea of eating perfectly healthy doesn't always work for many of us...just give us what we want and no one will get hurt. 
• Morning sickness is about as fun as having the flu. 
• You'll debate over every vaccination they "want" you to get and every medicine you may need to take, but you'll eat a pack of toxic Oreos like nobody's business. 
• Your stomach may itch so much that you'll begin to think you have fleas. 
• You will likely outgrow your maternity clothes about two months before the baby is due, leaving you looking like a homeless person. And you don't even care. 
• Your stomach may stretch so much that you'll begin to think your skin is made of something unlike others. 
• Everything your doctor tells you not to eat or do, is all of a sudden the things you crave. GIVE ME ALL OF THE SANDWICHES. Every damn time. 
• Food cravings are real. If you thought it was an excuse pregnant women used, I dare you to tell that to a pregnant person. Triple dog dare you. Ohhhh hot dogs...
• Your boobs may spring a leak and as exciting as that may be, it's also kinda odd. 
• Your boobs may grow to like triple their size and you'll desperately begin to pray that they go down again (you then realize that you're really grateful you never got that boob job). 
• Speaking of boobs again, they may not even look like boobs. 
• Your hair may fall out, change textures or grow like crazy. You may fear for its future. 
• Pregnancy brain is real - you forget everything. Everything. 
• Wait, what were we talking about...oh yea...
• Some days you want to be super productive and nest and other days you want to hibernate. 
• You frequently consider if there's a "too much chocolate" during pregnancy thing. Is that real?
• There's a good chance you'll be popping zits just like you're back in junior high.
• You'll get down on the floor to do something (like oh take care of all your other children) and then get stuck. 
• Painting your toe nails at 8 months pregnant requires awkward positions and then there's a good chance you'll be out of breath after. From what, I still don't know. 
• Okay truth is, you'll get out of breath a lot. And still not know what from. 
• By baby number three you don't even pull out a textbook and you're so over relating baby to a damn fruit or vegetable. You just know he's growing and SO.ARE.YOU.
• The more pregnancies you have, the more uncomfortable and real all of this shit is. 
• False labor is a MF. You get excited and pissed all within a few hours. 
• And of course the big one...labor hurts, contractions suck and you have to pop a watermelon out of a hole that was originally the size of a grape.

But it is the best freaking thing ever! 

Whine all you want, complain all you want and try to sucker your partner into as many foot rubs as possible. You're growing a little human and that's badass. You my friend, are a pregnancy goddess and you're beautiful. And when that little baby is in your arms, NONE of the above grossness, weirdness and uncomfortable crap matters. It's all about that glow that you'll have from here on out...welcome to the world of motherhood.